


I'd Do it Again (These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends)

by redamancv



Series: Violence [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots, joshler - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, M/M, Violence, josh dun - Freeform, joshler - Freeform, joshua dun - Freeform, twenty one pilots - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform, we in here getting litty, we in here u know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-12 04:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15331722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redamancv/pseuds/redamancv
Summary: I'd do it Again (These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends): Book 1Josh and Tyler are both alone on a city bus at midnight.The two of them fall fast into the unknown together, rushing towards the danger and glory ahead.Fear is dead and the future is alive.





	1. Chapter 1

**BLOODY PALMS**

I like riding the bus at night. Not that I have much choice on whether to ride it or not, but I still enjoy it. I like the way lights and cars and buildings pass by slow enough to see but fast enough to keep me from really noticing the details of each one, all of it reduced to a blue-black blur. I like the way it feels when I lean my cheek against the window, the cool glass draining the heat from my face. I like wondering if keeping my face this close to the window puts me in more danger in a car crash, if the shards of glass would explode directly into my face. Not that I wish that to happen, I just wonder.

I'm freshly 18, only having my birthday pass two weeks ago. I'm also freshly homeless. It's a strange time for me. I feel I should be independent by now. Right? I quit going to my parents' room if I had a nightmare when I was 10. I started waking myself up on my own when I was 12. I quit asking my parents for money and started saving my own when I was 16. I have spent the past 18 years of my life slowly learning how to do things on my own, how to function. Now that I'm alone though, I can't seem to feel even a drip of that independence anymore.

I just feel scared.

I was kicked out of my home by my parents on my birthday, June 18th. It had been quite the dramatic affair, as can be assumed. I had stood in the kitchen, fists clenched so tight I broke the skin and my palms bled. My mom had flung herself over the counter theatrically with a sob, saying something about how she 'couldn't believe it' and 'my own son'. My dad had stood, shaking his head with crossed arms saying things like 'look what you've done' and 'how could this happen'

The whole thing felt like a movie, and maybe one day I would wake up in my bed to find none of it had really happened.

Except it's been two weeks and I'm still here. It still happened.

I shift suddenly in my seat, feeling myself jolt back to reality. I can still feel the healing cuts on my hands from that day, a stinging pink reminder of everything that happened. I can't handle to think of that day anymore, it makes my chest feel like sand was filling it. I'll die if I don't stop.

I pull out my phone and begin to unlock and lock it over and over.

Unlock.

Lock.

Unlock.

Lock.

I do that that when I don't know what to do with my hands. When I can't bear just to sit and think. It's modern-day nervous habit, 2017 version of nail-biting. I sit and stare at my phone inputting my passcode then pressing the power button and watching the screen flick off before doing it again. It's therapeutic. Keeps my mind and hands busy, ignoring the memories banging on the door in my mind, demanding they be let in.

"Can you stop?" A voice springs suddenly from the left of me, cold and pointed. I look over, squinting in the dark until my eyes fall on the only other person on the bus. He's sat on the aisle opposite of me wearing a yellow hoodie, glaring over at me. At least I think he's glaring. The bus has no working interior lights so I'm not quite sure.

"Stop what?" I ask, face blank.

"The phone thing, the light flashing on and off is annoying." The guy crosses his arms and leans against his window, the same way I had before, looking out into the night. I stare blankly for a moment before registering what had been said. I feel like my reactions are slowed to half of what they should be. Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired or maybe it's because I haven't spoken to a single person who isn't a fast-food employee in two weeks. I hope it's the first option, the second option makes me feel dizzy and scared by the implications of it.

"Hey, you can't tell me what to do with my phone." I say with furrowed eyebrows. Who was he to think he could boss me around? This is public transport and last time I checked, I'm part of the public.

The stranger snaps his head to look at me, sliding over to the edge of his seat so quickly that I jerk back partially in fear and partially in surprise.

"And you can't just annoy people like that." The guy says darkly, trying to be intimidating, dropping his voice low and rough. For a fleeting moment, I believe he's going to stab me. I can picture my last moments, bleeding out on the floor of a bus next to an empty Skittles wrapper.  
Now that he's closer, I can see what he looks like. He has fluffy brown hair and what seems to be brown eyes. His jeans are dirty and his hoodie sleeves go all the way to his fingertips.

The guy looks fucking pathetic.

I begin to laugh. I laugh so hard my face and sides and lungs burn. The guy sat shocked, whatever attempt at being intimidating fleeing his being as he stares at me laughing at nothing.

I couldn't help it. This guy, this tiny ass guy, sitting alone on a bus in Newark, New Jersey honestly just tried to square up with me.

"Why are you laughing?" The guy questions hotly. "Why the fuck are you laughing." The second time it comes out as a demand, voice raised.

"You have fucking sweater paws and you tried t-" I cut myself off with more laughter, I can't take it. I haven't laughed this hard about something in so long I can't remember if I ever even had before.

The stranger sits there in stunned silence, face red and hands shaking.

I feel like I laughed for years. I'm not sure why, maybe I really have lost my mind, but the way this bus stranger had surged forward all quick and firey only to have sweater paws and a scrawny body to show? Shit really got me.

"I haven't laughed that hard in so long." I say, looking up, but the guy was gone. I look around, all red-faced and watery-eyed, searching for where he'd gone. I spot him four seats ahead, sulking and looking out of his window.

I sigh and on an impulse decision get up, moving and sitting next to the guy, leaving my bag alone in the back of the bus.

"Why are you sitting over here? Go away." The guy says, moving as far away from me as possible. He smooshes himself against the wall of the bus in an act of defiance but ends up just making himself look more ridiculous, causing me to choke down another laugh.

"I'm apologizing. I didn't mean to make fun of you." I say sincerely, and I hadn't. I don't like to upset people, I'm passive and gentle. Mostly. So as the high of laughter wore off, the idea that I could have hurt someone began to twist in my stomach. The stranger made a 'hmph' and mumbled something under his breath. "My name is, Josh by the way." I introduce myself.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to let him know this. The guy most certainly does not care what my name is. I should have just gone back to my seat, I should have never sat next to him in the first place. I've always done strange things though, and mocking then introducing myself to a stranger on a bus would be no exception. The guy opens his mouth to respond and closes it again, not looking over at me. I can't read his expression and his silence gives me nothing to work with. This drives me mad. I can't handle not knowing. I hate it when people have that leverage over me, the power of knowing something I do not. It makes me nervous for some reason. For some irrational reason.

I'm about to ask for his name when the guy speaks.

"My name's Tyler."

The guy now had a name. Tyler. I study him, Tyler still not looking at me. It suits him.

"Your name is really dumb." Tyler says suddenly, looking over at me.

"What?"

"Your name. It's dumb." Tyler states, as if it were obvious. As if I should have known this.

"What does that even mean?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. Josh was a simple name. A common name. It couldn't be that dumb if so many people used it. Tyler sighs impatiently and tosses a hand dramatically up into the air.

"You're really weird right? I mean you turn your phone on and off which is just... weird and you laugh at people then try and act like they should forgive you. You're riding a bus alone at midnight. You should be named something that lets people know they should stay away from you. Like a name that sounds like... like a cult leader."

What the hell? Does he actually think I'm scary? I mean I know I'm weird but never threatening.

"Well, I like my name."I defend myself.

I'm sure why I care so much. I want Tyler to say my name suits me, to like the way my name sounds out of Tyler's mouth. Maybe I want to find some sort of summer love on a bus at midnight in a chance encounter because I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm desperate to have something new and interesting. The reality, however, is that I don't feel fireworks or butterflies, Tyler didn't flash me a charming smile. We're sitting awkwardly in the dark with humid summer air suffocating us. I'm homeless and Tyler was a total asshole. This isn't the romantic reality I had in my head.

Tyler is pretty cute though at least as far as could be told in the dark light, so I have to settle for that.

Tyler shrugs, not saying anything else. He does, however, study my face and this did cause butterflies in my stomach. Except they aren't the kind you get from a crush but the kind you get before doing a presentation at school. I don't know what Tyler is thinking and I hate not knowing.

"Why are you riding the bus this late?" I ask suddenly. Anything to break Tyler's stare.

"Dunno, just to ride it I guess. To get from point a to point b. I don't have any particular reason or place in mind." This interests me. It gives Tyler an air of mystery to him. Something exciting.

"What about you?" Tyler questions me, turning in his seat so he's facing me.

"Traveling. Seeing the country. You know, leave all my belongings, see the world, become a minimalist, redefine myself. That sorta vibe." I lie with a casual shrug. I'm not quite willing to let him know me.

"You're an awful liar." Tyler says.

I falter. How can he tell so easily? And besides doesn't he know it's rude to call out a stranger like that? He's reading me way too easily and I can't read anything about him. I don't have service on my phone so I can't Google 'signs of a serial killer' but I strongly believe that those are signs of one. Unreadable but can easily read others.

"Then you're really bad at reading people because I'm not lying." I counter. I keep my voice level and confident. Convincing.

"You're locking and unlocking your phone again." Tyler says and I notice I am. My hands had absently found their way to something familiar, even without my own knowing. "So you're lying.

I laugh. I do that when I'm nervous. I think most of my quirks are defined by my own nervous habits rather than a collection of endearing traits. I feel a wave of regret flow through me. I probably just look stupid in all of this and it's probably noticeable how lonely I am with how eager I am to talk to him. I should probably walk away, get off at the next stop, throw myself out the window, literally anything but stay. Except I'm curious and lonely so I keep talking.

"Well, technically I am traveling," I say, not quite willing yet to let him know why I'm here. "The why doesn't matter."

Tyler doesn't have any reaction to this and I wish he had. Just the slightest indication that he was interested in what I was hiding. He isn't so kind as to give me that though. He just shrugs, blank-faced.

"Well, I guess we're kind of in the same situation then." Tyler says finally. I wonder how he can assume that from what I've shared. The only thing we have in common is that we're going somewhere, which isn't unique nor unifying. For all he knows I could have escaped prison and be on the run, though I feel it may be more likely he did.

"Maybe we could be friends then." I suggest. It sounds dumb leaving my mouth, all clumsy and embarrassing. It reminds me of my desperate attempts to make friends in middle school, the way I would walk up to groups of boys at lunch and ask if I could sit with them knowing they would say yes only to not be rude.

"Dude, aren't you like homeless? You look homeless." Tyler says, eyeing my bookbag. "Are you planning sleepovers in gas station parking lots?" He laughs so faintly I'm not sure he even did.

"Or on busses, or park benches. There's a world of possibility." I say with a lopsided grin. Tyler's staring at me and I wonder what he's thinking. It's strange realizing that when you talk to someone they're forming their own opinions of you in their minds. They're looking at you and listening to you, but you'll never know how they're using these things in their own minds. I kind of like it.

We fall into a silence and Tyler looks away.

"Do you have a place to stay?" He asks, staring down at his feet. I pause, unsure of whether or not to be honest.

He seems to take my silence as an answer.

"Well do you at least have money then?"

Again I'm not sure what to say. I don't even know why he's asking.

"I mean, I have enough to make it." I finally decide is a good enough answer. Truthfully I have about $50 left so I'm not exactly lying. "Why?"

"If-" Tyler stops for a second, considering before starting again. "If you wanted you could stay in a motel with me. I have money." Tyler looks a bit surprised by his question, almost surprised as I feel, but he continues on anyway. "I mean, I don't want to leave you sleeping in the streets or something..." He trails off, slicking his gaze up to the ceiling. I wonder if he's praying for one of us to disappear into thin air. I wish his prayer would be answered if he was.

I think over his offer in my mind, and find myself impossibly tempted by it. The idea of having a safe place to stay is nice. The idea of not being alone is even nicer. Even if it's just for a night, it might be the first peace of mind I've had in a while.

"I don't know, I wouldn't want to-" I say, not wanting Tyler to feel responsible for me. I don't want to be viewed as some burden, or someone who could be used to fuel an ego. I can picture it now, Tyler later in life talking all about how 'one time I saved this poor homeless guy'. The idea of that level of pity made me feel a bit sick. Not to mention I don't know the guys last name. How could I trust him? I shouldn't and I don't, not fully.

"Please don't do that." Tyler interrupts me, quick and careless. "I wouldn't mind the company and it would like, be shitty if you got mugged or something when you could have had a safe place to stay."

And what choice do I have?

"Yeah, I wouldn't mind that at all then."

**MOTEL FLOORS**

The rest of the bus ride is spent in silence. I moved back to my seat and Tyler remained in his own. We both gave each other the space to think of everything, and I'm grateful.

I'm used to making quick decisions, diving headfirst into whatever I decide I want. Mostly, they've ended badly. Once I got punched in the face to homecoming because I thought it would be a good idea to call a guy an 'insufferable jackass'. Two weeks ago I got kicked out of my own home because I made an impulse decision. I'm not sure what kind of result this decision will bring, I can only hope it's good.

I'm not sure and it's killing and exciting me. I hate to not know, but this is a bit different. I like the mystery. I like the way my chest gets a weird jolt in it when I think about what's to come. Anytime I get that sick distant feeling that makes me feel empty, like nothing around me is real, I think about Tyler and how much I didn't know just to bring me back. The distraction of him is temporary but welcome.

I don't touch my phone the whole bus ride.

After a few stops, Tyler stands, looking back at me and catching my gaze. He flashes me a small smile before heading towards the door. I find myself standing so quick that my vision goes black for a few seconds. I pick up my bookbag and rush towards the door, following Tyler out into the city.

"I saw a sign for a motel next to the McDonalds." Tyler explains as he begins to lead the way down the sidewalk. The city is quiet but certainly not dead, the sound of nightlife buzzing in the background. A group of teenage boys are walking down the sidewalk, hands in their pockets while they shout and laugh at each other. The steady beat of an electronic song spills out of a club. Police sirens sound a couple streets away.

I run a hand through my dark brown hair to mess it up a bit, the way I like it to look. Tyler isn't talking and the silence makes me nervous. I can't handle not having something to distract me. My mind drifts to easily to things I'd rather not think of. Like the night I got kicked out, or the years leading up to that night.

Suddenly my hands are shaking.

"So, are you from here?" I ask, breaking the silence before it suffocates me.

"Nah, Ohio." Tyler says.

I feel a bit disappointed by this. It would be my luck to find the only other guy from Ohio in New Jersey. I'm here to get away from my past, but here it is back to follow me everywhere I go.

"Oh, me too."

I hope I don't sound the way I feel.

We fall back into silence for a short moment but this time Tyler is the one to break it.

"You hungry?" Tyler asks, looking over at me. I look at him too and find myself staring for a bit too long. Under the city lights, he looks so pretty. His features are soft and warm, blue and purple neon lights painting his skin. "You okay?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh?" I ask stupidly.

"I asked if you're hungry." Tyler says with a slight, breathy laugh. I realize just how hungry I am after hearing that. When you don't have much money you don't exactly get in three meals a day. It's too much of a risk to spend money like that.

"A bit yeah," I admit, feeling embarrassed for some reason. Just the simple vulnerability of needing something made me want to run away.

"Why don't we get food at the McDonalds then? I'm so fricking hungry you don't even know dude." Tyler says and I smile at that, relaxing some.

"Dude same."

We enter the motel, I'm holding two drinks and Tyler is holding a grease-stained bag. Tyler had ended up paying for both of our meals, despite my protests. I notice there's only one bed and no couch, but I'm more than willing to sleep on the floor. There's nothing extravagent about the room. Just the bed, a box t.v. and a table. The room is following this awful brown/green theme. I don't mind at all.

"It's not too bad right?" Tyler asks, shrugging and smiling a bit shyly as he studies the chipped paint on the wall.

"No! It's great." I assure him. I don't want Tyler to think I'm not grateful for this. I'm honestly more appreciative than he'll ever know. Tyler looks at me with a smile before going to kick off his shoes and plop down on the bed. He leaves his bookbag on the floor by the door and I set mine next to it.

Tyler looks at me expectantly and I notice he'd left a spot on the bed for me to sit next to him. I go to sit next to him, suddenly hyper-aware of myself. When was the last time I showered? In the sink of a Target using hand soap yesterday. Can he tell? I mean, he's homeless too so how can he judge?

"Thank you, by the way." I say as I set my drink on the nightstand and hand Tyler his.

"It's all good." Tyler says casually.

"So, how did you end up on the streets?" I ask curiously as I open up my box of chicken nuggets.

Tyler is silent for a moment as he opens his cheeseburger wrapper.

"Family issues mainly." He says. It's vague and I want to know more but the troubled look on his face tells me I shouldn't ask.

"Same here." I say with a sigh. I can relate to him on that. I really can. "So why are you letting me stay with you?" I ask, dying to know even though I fear I won't like the answer.

"I guess I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted company, even just for a little bit." Tyler explains easily. How can he admit that so easily? I would never be able to admit that I feel lonely. I hate how weak I felt when I say I need something. It makes my stomach churn. Tyler, however, seems at ease with saying what he wants and needs. I envy that.

Tyler begins to ramble mindlessly, not even giving me a chance to talk. I don't mind though, I enjoy getting to just listen and watch. Tyler has a nice voice, quiet and a bit raspy. When he speaks he uses his hands a lot and he never seems to really form one complete thought, he just flows one thing into another. I like that.

I take the time to memorize things about Tyler's face. I'm not sure why but I got a rush of excitement in my chest when I think about the fact that I would be one of the few people in the world to know the details of Tyler. It thrills me, having something not everyone does.

I notice the way Tyler's lips are a dark pink and that he has bags under his eyes. I notice Tyler's bottom teeth are crooked and it makes me like looking at him even more.

Tyler keeps talking and I keep listening then before I know it, it's 3 a.m. and Tyler's sleepily rubbing his eyes.

"Well I'm gonna go to bed now." He says stretching and moving to throw his trash away. I'm laid down on the bed, almost too comfortable to move. I like talking to Tyler. Tyler had spoken about everything it felt like. He'd shared his opinions on life and night time and God and science. He'd spoken so passionately at times and so carelessly at others. It made me want to listen forever.

I realize crashingly that I'm getting too in my own imagination with all of this. I caught myself drifting comfortably in space beside Tyler, thinking about what it might feel like to know him and be known by him, what it would be like to feel his skin. These are ridiculous thoughts I know. I don't even know him, I can't get attached like this already.

I take all of the thoughts I had about Tyler and shove them away, tucking them into a dark corner of my brain never to be picked up again. I don't want to think about him like that. I don't want to romanticize this guy I know nothing about.

So, as I grab the spare blanket and pillow from the closet and tell Tyler goodnight I made sure to only think of him the way I should. He's a nice guy, someone who has done me a favor, a stranger, nothing more.

However, as I lay on the floor covered by a scratchy blanket with my head resting on a thin pillow I can't help but think that sleeping on a motel floor is my favorite place to be if it means I don't have to be alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**ALONE**

If the night had been graced by the mouth of Fate, then the morning was victim to the Devil's teeth. 

I wake up alone. 

I arch my back off of the motel floor, muscles stiff. The curtain is parted slightly, allowing sunlight to slip in. I can see the dust particles dance in the light. For a moment it all feels peaceful. Then I remember last night and the feeling vanishes. 

Tyler's bookbag is gone. So is he. 

"Of course he is dumbass." I hiss out loud to myself, annoyed I had even considered this would be a thing that lasted longer than 12 hours.  The Universe would not be so kind to me, for she does not give her love so freely. 

I stand up and stretch, pushing Tyler out of my min and willing myself not to cry. I'm not going to sit alone in a fucking motel room crying over a guy I just met. Hell no. 

So instead, I walk to the bathroom, grab a clean towel, and turn the water on as hot as I can physically stand. 

I use motel soap to scrub at my skin, washing away last night. All of the sweat and hope and let downs falling down into the drain where they belong. I wonder if people feel like this after one night stands. Somehow part abandoned part relieved. Except, people who have one night stands know it'll be over in the morning and I didn't with this. 

I should have. 

I get out of the shower and put on a clean-ish pair of black skinny jeans (one of the 4 pairs I own) and a loose NASA t-shirt. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and pause, eyes training on the fading logo on the shirt. 

I can remember the day I got it. 

_"Josh, open this one next!" My mom calls out, pointing to a wrapped package on the dining room table. She's holding a camcorder, recording the moment so she can pull it out whenever she pleases, a memory to keep tucked away in a cardboard box until we need it to remember how things were._

_The whole entire dining room is space themed. The thin, plastic tablecloth has aliens on it. The wrapping paper is galaxy print. Purple and green balloons are hovering around the table, like extra guests listening in on the fun. A blue and black cake has 16 purple candles sticking out of it. I feel warmth radiating in my chest, safe and content._

_Everything is perfect._

_Eagerly, I unwrap the gift grinning wildly when I find the t-shirt folded neatly._

_My mom really went all out with the space theme. It makes me feel so loved._

_"I love it!" I say, looking up at her. She's smiling at me, looking happy and sad at the same time._

_"Oh, Josh, I hope you like everything! You're growing up so fast, my sweet boy."_

_"Mom! Why are you so sad? I love it!"_

I didn't understand it then, that she wasn't sad because she thought I wasn't happy. She was hurting because she knew the moment wasn't forever. We only have so many moments and many of them can never be relived. 

I look in the mirror and notice my eyes are red. I'm crying because I really get it now. 

I really do. 

I don't know what comes over me but I find my knees buckling and I'm crying silently on the floor. There's this ache in my chest that just won't go away. This understanding that my time here is limited, and that nothing I love will last forever is petrifying. My blood runs cold and I feel like the universe is imploding. 

I wish I had never felt anything good, so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of loss. 

My eyes are stinging now and everything just hurts. I rub my eyes furiously and force myself to stand. I need to toughen up. I hurt all the time over everything and it just isn't working anymore. 

I meet my own gaze in the mirror and stare myself down. My eyes aren't red like you'd think they'd be. You almost can't tell I'd cried. I wonder why I never show signs of it. Maybe I don't feel as genuinely as I let myself think, my mind can trick me but my body can't. At least I tell myself this. It makes getting over it easier. 

"You're okay," I say quietly to my reflection. "Get over it." 

So, I do just that. 

I brush my teeth and splash water on my face, then search the mirror for physical signs of change. 

My skin looks clean and the dark circles under my eyes are a tiny bit less noticeable. There are water droplets on my skin and my hair is dripping wet because I never really dry off fully after showers. 

I look okay. I'm okay. 

I exit the bathroom, leaving Fate washed down the drain. All of her empty promises and heartache gone from my body. 

Except Fate decides to crawl back up. 

Tyler is sitting on the bed, charging an old beat up iPhone. 

"Hey," he says absently, not look away from his phone. 

I can't speak. There I'd been, scrubbing away everything, ready to run forwards and never look back, but here Tyler is. Laying lazily on the bed, unaware of the monumental self-discovery journey I've been on in the room next to him. 

I'm borderline furious. 

 "Sorry, I had to leave this morning to get something." Tyler finally looks up at me. I still can't speak, if I do I'll scream at him and tell him to go fuck himself which will only make me look fucking mental. 

" Are you having a stroke?" He asks, looking a bit amused. 

"What?" No. I just-" My mind runs blank. "What did you get?" I ask even though it's not really my business. To be fair he kind of made it my business by triggering a mini-crisis in me this morning. 

Tyler breaks out into a huge grin, and I forget to be angry. I swear I've never seen anything better. It puts everyone else's smile to shame, all crooked teeth and crinkled eyes. I feel weak just looking at him and am reminded that I shouldn't have a crush on some guy I don't know. This isn't middle school. Then again I'm not sure if this is even a crush, I could just be desperate for a friend. 

"I was hoping you would ask." Tyler says, hopping up and walking over to me. His eyes travel down my arms and he pauses. "Dude, what the hell?" I can't read his voice. 

"What?" I ask, looking at my arms to find what was wrong with them. 

"You're not even dry, like at all." Tyler says, sounding somewhat joking but somewhat appalled. I'm confused as to why Tyler would even care enough to comment on my abilities to dry off after a shower but before I can respond with some sarcastic jab, I'm being assaulted by a towel. 

Tyler had taken it upon himself to dry off my exposed skin, laughing as he moved the towel to ruffle Josh's hair dry. He laughs as I flail underneath the towel. Tyler's laugh is melodic and drifting and it fills up my chest until he'd forget there was ever even space in there to fill. 

I'm laughing too. The kind that makes you take in gasping breaths so you won't pass out. I can feel my heart and mind racing so fast the rest of him couldn't keep up. 

"Wha- dude what the fuck." I cry out, words slurred with laughter as Tyler finally releases me from my towel-y prison. 

Tyler's red in the face from laughter and there are tears in his eyes from it.

"I was drying you off!" He chokes out, voice gorgeously shakey and high from laughter.

"You don't even know me, wha-" I fall to my knees, weak from the rush of adrenaline that came from the moment. "You're fucking weird! That was the weirdest shit anyone has ever done you're fucking-" I can't even speak as laughter overtakes me.  
  
Tyler begins to calm down, still smiling as he sits beside me to catch his breath.   
  
"I'm weird? You don't even dry off after showers." Tyler defends himself.   
  
I gave a shaky breath, trying to calm down as I look over at Tyler. Tyler seems to be reaching impossible levels of beauty. Seeing him so happy and open makes my chest ache with longing. I want so bad to touch his face, to feel Tyler pressed against me. I crave everything about Tyler and the moment. If Heaven is real he I know it feels like this. 

I want to live in this feeling forever, which is why I feel a deep wave of melancholy rush over me. 

This isn't forever, nothing is. I can't get too used to it because it's inevitable that one day I will feel like this for the last time. 

The fear is sickening. 

"Wanna see what I got?" Tyler speaks suddenly, and I notice I'm staring at him. Tyler doesn't seem to mind though, he locks gazes with me steadily. 

Distract me, please. 

I nod and stand up with Tyler. He leads the way out of the motel and into the small gravel parking lot. The day is cloudy and the ground is damp from rain I hadn't seen or heard. The air smells like wet pavement and grass. 

"Here it is!" Tyler pats the hood of a van, looking pretty proud. 

It's easily the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen. It's this weird baby blue color, paint chipped from all sides. There's a huge dent in the drivers' side door and one of the headlights is cracked. I'm surprised he even got the damn thing working long enough to drive it to the motel. 

"How did you get this?" I question in surprise. Since when can homeless people afford cars? 

"I told you, I have money, don't worry about it." Tyler dismisses my worries, but they stay standing in my mind. He doesn't give me any time to ask further questions. "It was only like $400, can you believe it!" And yeah I really can. "We can go anywhere we want in this thing." 

We. 

That word makes my heart stop. 

Tyler expects me to go with him. 

I feel anxiety pace back an forth in my chest. 

Wasn't I just upset when I thought he had left me? Now that he's offering me to stay, I should feel thrilled. Except I don't. I'm just scared. 

I can't make any sense of it. 

Tyler must be lonely and using me until someone better comes along. That's the only reason I can think of for him to want me around. I feel sick. 

"We?" I ask, ready to ruin everything just to save myself. 

Tyler stares at me, looking like he isn't sure what to do. 

"Well, yeah, I thought you wouldn't mind the company..." He trails off, gaze flicking around unsure of where to land. "Of course, you don't have to go with me. I just thought that ya know since we're both not in the best place we might as well make the best of it. Turn it into kind of like... I don't know, an adventure." He sounds dejected, voice low and unsure. The magic of the laughter dissipates from the air completely and the silence hangs heavy. 

I frantically search for an answer. If I say yes, I'm setting myself up to be abandoned. If this morning I was that distraught at being left then I can't imagine how it would feel to really get to know him then be left by him. If I don't go I'm alone with my thoughts, my mind won't have something to fill in the extra space with allowing my fears to creep in. Both options will most likely destroy me. 

"I would like that." My mouth makes the decision before my brain can. I make most of my decisions this way, the important ones at least. 

Tyler smiles brightly at me and the edge of the fear eases off, just a little bit. 

"Josh, we are gonna make the most of this. You'll see." 

He sounds so sure I forget to be afraid. 

**GAS STATION ROBBERIES**

The windows are down and air is whipping into the car as Tyler pushes 70 down the highway. We're leaving Jersey so fucking fast, veins, blood, and soul filled with the promise of something new. 

I can't breathe in the best possible way. 

"So what's the plan then?" I ask curiously. So far we're chasing a shape in the distance that we can't make out. We have no idea where we are going, just that we are. 

"I don't know. Anywhere we want. We can do anything we want." Tyler says almost manically laughing and tipping his head back.

"What about money?" I ask. I still want to know how he's funding all of this. I feel a bit uneasy thinking about it, like he's hiding something really important. 

"I told you I got it." He doesn't even look at me. "What do you want to do? We can do anything." Again he dances around the question. 

I want to beg him for an answer, but I don't. Instead, I let the million questions I have for him slowly kill me.

"I don't know. I've never thought about something like that before." I say, shrugging even though he isn't looking at me. I don't really know what I want to do. I've never been one for bucket lists or life goals. I kind of just drift through existence, without aim or drive. It's pretty sad now that I think of it. I should have at least somewhere I want to go. 

I'm hyper aware now of how little I know about the world. I'd never even considered that anything outside of Ohio exists. 

"I wanna go to California." I decide because everyone wants to go there. It's honestly a good option. It's warm and sunny there, everyone's struggling but blowing cash on things they don't need, trivial problems become crucial and the horrors of the world are reduced down to a white noise. 

California seems like the perfect place to get away from reality. 

I'll forget Ohio even exists.

"Then California it is." The decision is easy for Tyler, he doesn't even think. It reminds me of my own impulsiveness. 

We fall silent for a moment, just soaking in the moment. The lull makes my mind turn back to the mystery shrouding Tyler. 

"So," I begin after a silent moment, "Did you plan to leave home?" I can't help but ask. I wanna know everything about him. 

Tyler's jaw tightens and I regret asking. 

He glances over at me, sighing softly before relaxing again. 

Tyler rolls his window up, almost as if he's afraid of his words escaping out into the air. As if he doesn't want anyone, not even God or the Sun to hear any of it. I roll mine up too. 

After deciding it safe to speak he begins. 

"Kind of." His voice is a bit shaky and I regret asking. It must not be a good memory. No one in this situation has a good memory of how they got here. I realize this now. "I had to get away from things, from people and since I'm 18, well it's my responsibility now to get away from things on my own right?" 

I don't think he's really looking for an answer from me. 

"I feel the same way." I decide is the best thing to say. 

He smiles and looks at me as if I really don't. 

He doesn't say anything else, just moves to turn on the radio. 

A song I've never heard is playing, but Tyler seems to recognize it. 

"What song is this?" I ask, trying to distract from whatever things in his mind had upset him. 

"400 Lux, you not listen to Lorde?" He sounds back to normal now, smiling as he watches the road ahead. 

"We're never done with killing time, can I kill it with you?" He sings along, and to my surprise, he sounds really good. His voice is raspy and soft, one of the most amazing things I've ever heard

I pay attention to the song and feel my heart stir a bit because it fits a little too well with how I feel right now.

"We might be hollow but we're brave." He sings this loudly, with a laugh at the end. 

I let myself believe it's true. 

We drive for a while, switching between talking and singing along to the radio. Tyler's really talented, I wonder if he knows it. 

I learn a bit about him, like that he played basketball in high school and that he didn't go to Prom. I didn't have much to tell him about me, other than that I love the X-Files and might be the most boring person to have ever lived. Tyler disagreed with the second part. 

We're pulling into a gas station, both of us hungry and the car low on fuel. I watch Tyler as he pays for the gas in cash and I  begin to feel guilt creep into me. Regardless of how he has so much money, he's still spending a lot of it on me and I've done nothing for him. I want to pay him back, not even because I know it's right, but because I want to impress him. I get out of the car, startling Tyler a bit as I walk up next to him. 

"Hey, you're hungry right?" I ask hurriedly. 

Tyler nods, looking weary. 

"And you want to do something fun? Something crazy?" 

Another nod. 

"Okay so get in the car and start it." I say as he puts the gas pump up, he looks like he wants to ask but there's this glint in his eyes that tells him the surprise of it all sounds more fun. He does what I ask and I head up to the gas station with my bookbag over one shoulder. 

I'd emptied the contents of it into the back seat already, so part of my plan is already done. 

When I walk into the store no one is behind the counter, and I feel lucky for that. My heart is pounding hard in my chest and my legs are numb. I'm actually about to rob a store, just to impress someone. 

I've fucking lost it. 

It's exhilarating. 

I've never stolen a thing in my entire life, and it's a surprise to me that I'm doing it now. There is a first time for everything, even crimes. 

Are there security cameras? The thought strikes a chord of fear in me and I look around to see if I see any. There aren't any outside and the only one inside is aimed at the alcohol. 

I'm good.

I unzip my bag and begin tossing random snacks into it, mind too blurry to think. I'm not even sure of everything I get. Next, I move to the drinks, staying far away from the beers so the camera can't catch a glimpse of me. 

I shove Redbulls into the bag, hands shaking violently. Holy shit I am actually doing this. 

I'm about to do one final scan of the store when I hear the sound of a hand dryer sound from the bathroom. 

Fuck. 

The person working must have just gone to the bathroom. I have to get out of the store 5 minutes ago. 

I bolt towards the door, not even looking back. I'm slipping into the passenger seat of the van before I can even realize what happened. 

Tyler stared at me for a moment, stunned. 

"Go!" I said with a laugh. 

And he does. 

Tyler whips the car out of the parking lot and we're speeding down the road, hearts in our throats. I'm laughing, crazy, I can't believe I did that. I feel so rebellious and young and  _fuck_  I feel so good. I can do anything, nothing is out of reach anymore. Tyler is laughing too and I'm positive if anyone saw us they'd think we're insane. 

"You stole!" Tyler yells, flashing me a wild glance. 

The approval from him makes me dizzy. 

"Yeah for you!" I say as we stop at a red light. 

Adrenaline courses through me and I feel invincible, untouchable. I don't know anyone here and they don't know me. I'm anything I want to be. Nothing matters except me and Tyler, right now we're the center of the universe. 

Suddenly I feel lips on mine and two hands holding my face tight. 

Tyler is kissing me hard and quick. 

I feel fire and liquid gold, everything wonderful and awful rushing through me.

The kiss ends so quick I can't even remember the taste or feel of it. I selfishly want more. 

The light turns green. 

"I-" Tyler is blushing, not looking at me. "I'm sorry I..."

Tyler looks like he may die right here right now. 

I want to kiss him again, but the adrenaline is wearing off and my body can only handle so many impulsive decisions at once. 

"Want a Redbull?" I ask, switching the focus. I don't want either of us to overthink this. We don't have to be in our head about anything, not right now. 

He nods and I dig into the bag, grabbing one for him. 

He takes it with a trembling hand.  

**THE STARS AND ALL OF THEIR PANIC**

We decide to sleep in the back of the van that night. It's cheaper this way, and I think we both like the unconventional magic to it. He ends up parking in the back lot of a string of closed down stores that don't even have signs anymore. They remain just a barren memory of what once was and now play as a stop on our adventure. It's funny how things don't always play the role they were intended to. 

"We should be in Pennsylvania tomorrow," Tyler says as he struggles to fold his seat down.

I look out the window into the night and feel a bit nervous. What if someone comes and kills us? That shit happens in abandoned parking lots. I think I saw an episode of Criminal Minds where that happened. 

"Hey," I feel a hand on my shoulder and I realize he must have said something without me noticing. "You good?" 

"Yeah," I'm not sure if I'm lying or not. 

I wonder if things like this will ever be clear to me. My mood switches so fast, from fearless to terrified to angry to hopeless. I can never tell which is the one I feel at the base of it all. I'm not entirely sure who I am, what I'm after. 

Maybe I'm not good.

"This is just a lot you know?" I say, letting him in just a little. Opening up a part of my mind for him to see. Just for a moment. 

"Are you scared?" The question hangs for a moment while I weigh my possible responses. 

"Hm..." I'm not ready to admit that. "I don't know." I guess I'm not ready to lie either. 

Tyler stays quiet and I look around the parking lot, hoping to find something to capture my interest. I notice a metal ladder hooked onto the side of the building, leading to the roof of one of the stores. 

"Wanna do something fun?" I ask, looking at him.  _Say yes so I can feel okay._

"Always." His face lights up and I can see the excitement in him, feel in the space we're in. 

"Let's go sit on the roof then." I'm getting out of the car before he can respond. I don't want him to take the time to think it over. 

"Wait, Josh-" Tyler is out of the car now too, following my quick pace. "I don't know if we should." 

This takes me off guard.

"Dude we stole, we're homeless, since when do you think we shouldn't do things?" I raise an eyebrow and look at him, face painted in panic. 

"I just like don't want to." He's blushing now and I swear he's someow collected all of the nervousness in the entire world and tucked it into his sleeve.

"Are you scared?" I tease. I want to push him to do someting he normally wouldn't. Beg him to come stand on the edge with me.  

"I wouldn't say scared I just..." We've reached the ladder now and I'm looking at him, smirking as I walk slowly backwards towards it. "Okay I'm fucking scared can we go back to the car now?" 

"You can, but me?" I say turning around and gripping the cool metal. It squeaks under my weight as I step up and I think I feel part of Tyler's soul die. "I'm going up here." 

He begins to argue with me, but I tune him out. When I reach the top I look down to see Tyler staring at me in horror. He looked back at the car, then me, then the ladder. With a deep breath, he makes the decision. 

The whole time he's climbing I can see he's shaking, even in the dark. He's saying something that I can't really hear and for a second I'm afraid he's crying. 

I almost feel bad until he gets to the top and punches me on the arm. 

"You asshole!" He says, laughing. I can't tell if he really does find all of this amusing or if I made him snap. 

"I didn't make you follow me!" I say, giving him a light shove back to which he yelled in fear. 

"You could have pushed me off!" Tyler cried, eyes wide. 

"We are literally ten feet from the edge! You would have had to roll like a fucking bowling ball to fall off!" I say, wheezing. 

"Go fuck yourself." Tyler groans out, but he's smiling at me. 

I look up at the sky and realize how ethereal the whole place feels. The sky is all clear and the stars and moon shine dimly against the light of the city. I can hear cars passing by. 

I lay down on the concrete, just wanting to soak it all in. Times like this are precious, when I'm not scared or sad. I don't want to ruin this for myself. 

Tyler moves to lay down next to me, laying only an inch or so distance. I could touch him if I wanted. I don't look at him though, I don't think I can handle seeing him so close. 

The memory of the kiss floods my mind and I feel blood rush to my face. I turn my head to the side so Tyler can't see.

"This isn't too bad I guess," Tyler says softly. "Laying in hell with you." His voice is intimate and mellifluous, it makes my heart race. 

"I'm glad I was crazy enough to ask you to come with me. You're one of the best people I've ever met." Tyler adds with a gentle laugh. 

I smile at that. I don't think I've ever been considered one of the best people by anyone. I hope he's being honest. 

"What are you afraid of?" Tyler asks. "I told you my fear, what's yours?" 

I have to think for a moment about that. He asked me as if I have one soul fear, but I feel like I have a thousand. Ignorance, my family, being alone, my past, dying. 

"I guess losing something I once had." And it makes sense, all of it. The common factor in it all. The fear of losing his life, of losing people, of losing himself. "Loss is such a terrible thing and nothing can be done about it. I'm afraid of more though.  I'm afraid of my dad and my home and I'm afraid to be living without my parents because I don't feel as grown up as I should. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't want to die and I don't want to live the way I have."  The words spill from my lips like sand between fingertips. I can't keep them in because they're too hot to swallow, scalding my throat and tongue until I have no choice but to say them. 

I feel foolish and weak, laying here for the world to see all of the things that make me vulnerable.

Suddenly there are tears streaming down my face and I'm filled with so much rage I would light the whole world on fire if I could. 

Tyler reaches out and grabs my hand, lacing our fingers together. 

His hands are warm and the simple closeness calms me down, just a little bit. 

"Hey," His voice is gentle. "Look at me." I want to ignore him because I don't think I can bear to face him in a state like this, but I do anyway. "If you fear that much you must be very brave to still be right here." He whispers.

I meet his gaze and wonder how he could sit here and call me brave when I'm crying and shaking and forgetting to breathe over nothing. 

Tyler turns away. "Let's lay here, just for a little bit."   
  
I close my eyes and breathe, letting the night swallow up my fears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really dislike this chapter, the second half in particular. I've rewritten it over and over but can't seem to find a better way to say what needs to be said. I'll try and rewrite it again (nothing important will be changed so rereading won't be necessary unless you'd be interested in a more polished version). I just hate how clunky and awful it feels, but as of now it's the best I have. Also! You may recognize this story from Wattpad where these first chapters were initially posted. I honestly don't like Wattpad as a way to post things, because most of the people on there are more focused on those cliche fanfics that lack substance and make up in fan-service moments. Not that mine is much better than that, I just find people on here tend to be more open to diverse plots (and I PROMISE this plot has more than what has been shown! The main plot has not even truly been starting yet, but soon it will be. I've never read a fic with this plot before, although I'm sure one exists, so I hope it will be exciting to you.

**YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE I KNOW IT ISN'T ALRIGHT**

When I wake up the first thing I see is the roof of the car. My back aches and my muscles feel too stiff to move ever again. The laid-back seat of a van really isn't the best sleeping spot. 

Tyler is gone. 

I guess he's going to make a habit of that. 

I sit up, despite every part of my body begging me not to, and look out of the window to see if I can spot Tyler. It's a nice day out, the sky bright blue and sun beaming down bright and loud. The car's starting to heat up a bit from the summer air. 

I see Tyler standing a couple feet away from the car, something like animosity boiling over in him. I can tell by the way he moves his hands and paces, eyes and mouth not even attempting to disclose what he's feeling. 

The windows muffle most of what he says, but a few words he says with more force still drift through. 

"No...listen to me!"

"I said..." 

"...repeat myself."

"Not... argue."

"I mean it."

He's shoving his phone angrily in his pocket now and I quickly divert my gaze to the bookbag on the floorboard. I don't want him knowing I heard. 

That was weird. 

Really weird. 

I'm digging around for a Gatorade when I hear the door open, Tyler slipping in with a sigh. He looks absolutely drained. His hair is a mess, none of it really going the same direction. He has dark circles under his eyes and his face has a bit more stubble on it than the first day we met. 

If I'm being honest he looks hot like this. 

I have bigger things to worry about though, so I push the thought out of my head. 

"Why were you up so early?" I ask, hoping I don't sound suspicious because I'm really not. I trust Tyler. Mostly. 

"Ah," he keeps his voice neutral, not revealing too much. I have to give it to him, he's mastered the art of pretending nothing happened. "I just got a phone call." He looks at me with a slight smile, some of the tension draining out of his shoulders. 

"You can afford phone service?" I question. He keeps giving me reasons to wonder what he's doing. I like the mystery of it, the process of finding out. It also scares me a bit, because honestly  _what the fuck._

This time I can see him struggling to answer. I guess he isn't as good at lying as I thought. 

"Yeah," He says, putting the keys in the engine and starting the van. It doesn't start right away, giving a pathetic rumble before shutting off. "Damn it." Tyler grumbles, eyebrows furrowing as he tries again. Same result. "Fuck!" He snaps out, hitting his hand hard against the steering wheel. 

The way he flicks so easy between normal and raging makes me uneasy. It's a bit too familiar. I feel anxiety roll in like waves which is strange since I usually only fell it at night, but I guess not even the sun can keep the tide away. 

After another try the car rumbles to a start and he sighs in relief. He glances over at me and I can't read his expression fully but I think he must be able to tell he scared me with that outburst. Tyler looks back ahead and puts the car in drive, slipping out of our temporary home. 

Parking lots are home to me now. That fact alone only adds to the weirdness of the day. Everything just feels wrong. 

Tyler looks like he wants to say something but doesn't know what, so I take advantage of the moment. 

"So, who were you talking to?" I ask, tilting my head and looking at him. I'm not sure how I feel right now, good or bad. Again, this day just feels off. "Not that it's any of my business but, you seem pretty angry," I add, just to give him a way out.  I'm generous like that. 

"No one really," His voice is calmer now, back to that trained 'everything is okay' tone. "Just family drama you know?" 

I do know, but I don't think we mean the same thing. 

"Yeah, family is tough," I say, looking out the window. 

It reminds me of being on the bus, except it's daytime so it doesn't feel quite the same. The light makes it easy to notice things. A car that passes us is being driven by a person who seems to be singing along to the radio. There's a woman running down the sidewalk in a neon pink sweatsuit. A family of four is sitting in their front yard, parents watching as two young girls chase each other and laughing. 

I look away, overwhelmed. 

No matter how hard I try to run away from things I can't seem to get far enough. Tyler has been a beautiful distraction but the truth is that I'm only doing this because thinking is too hard. I trick myself into believing all the hurt will disappear if I just keep on giving myself something different to focus on, but it only works for so long. 

The people we pass each have their own intricate lives and it reminds me of my own. Families and couples and just everyone, with their own plan, their own story, their own reasons.

I don't have any goal in life, I don't have any friends, I don't have anything really. I feel like I'm just this empty body, going through the motions until I die. 

God, I wish there was more to life than what I feel. 

"Why did you leave home?" Tyler asks, ripping me from my thoughts. Usually, I would be thankful to have something to take my mind off my fears but this time he's bringing them to surface. 

"My parents..." I trail off, throat clenching. I don't know if I should tell him. After he's been so vague to me, about the money and the phone, why should I let him know? "It doesn't really matter." I say flatly. I feel a bit angry with him, even though I know he owes me nothing. 

"I think it matters." He insists. "You don't seem like you saw it coming." 

No, I hadn't. 

"Yeah but it's all good. These things happen." If he can leave me wondering I can do the same. 

Tyler is silent for a moment and I feel a bit triumphant in that. 

"How about this, I'll tell you something about me then you tell me something about you." He suggests, sparking my interest. 

That may just be worth it. 

"Deal," I say, heart racing just the slightest bit as I turn in my seat to look at him. He's not looking at me, just staring ahead with a wrist on the steering wheel looking all casual and careless. Not looking at all like he's about to find a way to make me spill everything there is to know of me.

"Okay. I dropped out of high school." He starts our game, looking at me with a smile. 

"I was going to go to college and major in music production," I say. He hasn't revealed anything too personal so I don't either. 

He hums softly at this, looking a bit pleased. 

"You probably would have done really well. Why didn't you go?" 

"Tell me something else and I might let you know." 

This earns a small laugh and I feel my chest flip. 

"Okay," Tyler says shifting a bit in his seat as we reach a stop sign. "I lost my virginity at 16." 

This one makes me a blush a bit so I look away, not wanting him to see. Whatever. 

"I'm not going to college because my parents kicked me out." I say and it's honestly obvious. "I can't afford it anymore, so instead I'm just gonna find somewhere to work." I'm thankful we're heading to California. There are more ways for me to work in music there, I feel like here the only places to work are Target and gas stations. 

"I wasn't actually homeless when we met." Tyler says.

"What." It isn't a question, I'm not sure what it is, but my voice doesn't sound like mine. He wasn't homeless? Was this just some sort of game to him? Was all of this just so he could, God I don't even know what his motive could be here. 

Here I was fucking trusting him and he drops this on me. 

"I am now." He says quickly, glancing at me. "It's just that when we met I hadn't been planning on leaving home that night. I was coming back from staying somewhere then you started talking to me and I don't know, it just felt like a sign. Like it felt like... fate." He looks nervous now and I wonder if my face is giving away all the different emotions I feel. "Know what I mean?"

I fucking don't know what he means. He gave up his old life on his own whim, just because he had a feeling? A stormy feeling boils through me, half-wrath and half-veneration. I wish I could have encountered the same circumstance. 

"So what about your family? Friends? Work? You just left all of that behind, for what?" I can't wrap my mind around this. The fact that I was kicked out has been destroying me. It ripped away any sense of purpose or direction I had left, holding no regard to anything I felt. Yet here Tyler was, doing the shit for fun. 

"I mean, my family situation isn't good. It's pretty awful actually. I'd been considering this for a while. I just took meeting you as a sign to take action." Tyler looks over at me again, looking defensive. I feel bad, assuming he had no real reason to leave. Of course, he did, it's naive to consider myself being the only reason to leave. That isn't how the world works. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to seem angry with you. I just..." I can't find the words to explain why I reacted that way. The thought of being someone's thrill ride for a couple of days, just so they could get away from their good parents and two-story suburban homes and feel something "real" made me nauseous. The idea of my struggles being so expendable. 

"I get it." Tyler says gently, and yeah that makes me feel worse. He's so understanding and patient. Nothing like me, jumping to conclusions and making up my mind before I even have the chance to listen. 

I have to get over that. I have to learn to open up and to let others open up as well. I can't charge through life avoiding the things that have the potential to hurt me. 

"My parents kicked me out because they found out I was part of the Gay Straight Alliance club at school." I say after a short pause. I'm not really afraid of him knowing, the guy kissed me. I'm not afraid of how he's going to react. I just don't want to go back to it all. I don't want to remember the years of hiding, the torment my family put me through every day, the moment they found out. It all makes me feel lightheaded. 

"Dude, that fucking sucks." Tyler says, as I turn to look out of my window again. "I hate shit like that."

"It's okay." I lie. 

"No it really isn't." Tyler's honest about it. 

I think about that for a moment and fuck it really isn't okay. 

"It's not that you won't be okay, because you will. You don't need them, family blood isn't shit if the actions don't back it up. I'm sorry if I'm being blunt about it, but it's the truth. The part that isn't okay is that they abandoned you for something about you that's good. Nah, fuck that. What they did wasn't okay, but one day you'll make them regret ever doing this to you." Tyler's voice is hot with emotion. I notice he's gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles are white. 

I'm surprised by how strongly he's reacting to this, makes me wonder if he's gone through something similar. 

His words register something in my brain though, like a snap and charge in my brain was set off and I understand this situation better than I ever had. 

None of this is okay, but that doesn't mean I won't be okay. It makes sense. I don't feel okay right now because, let's admit it, shit sucks right now. I'm homeless and my family left me and I'm lost, but those are all just circumstantial. 

I realize I had been preparing myself to cry, to soak in all the hurt and let it kill part of me right here in the passenger seat. It doesn't happen though, I feel astonishingly calm about it all. What Tyler says makes sense. It only took him a couple sentences to sort out the mess in my mind.

Tyler is still staring straight ahead with white knuckles. 

"Thank you," I say, because I can't find anything better. I wish I could, because I want him to know what he said did impact me. It really fucking did. "I'm glad I'm here with you." I add, and that has to be good enough for now. 

It seems to be, because his grip on the wheel loosens and he moves one hand to run it through his hair with a sigh. Tyler glances over at me and a small smile forms on his lips, softening the hardness in his eyes. 

"I am too." He says, soft and sincere. 

 

**CHANGE**

Tyler is sitting across from me, shoveling bites of syrup covered pancakes into his mouth. We'd decided to stop at IHop for breakfast since energy drinks and Hot Cheetos really will only last you so long. 

I feel more at peace than I have since I was kicked out. I'm glad I let Tyler in, it actually helped. Maybe keeping myself closed off all the time isn't good. I always considered the whole 'open up with how you feel' thing complete bullshit, but now that I've done it I see the benefits. I think it's just getting everything out into the open kind of sorts everything out, my mind tends to exaggerate and confuse me. 

"Ya know, you would look good with a nose piercing," Tyler says, and I notice he's paused to study me. My face heats up the slightest bit at the attention. He has an elbow on the table now and is propping his chin up on his hand, just looking at me with this lazy-happy gaze. 

"I actually always wanted one," I admit chopping up bits of pancakes with my fork so my hands have something to do. "My parents would never let me get one though." I remember the one time I asked, my dad he got so angry he went into my room and smashed my laptop. Said my friends were swaying me the wrong way. 

"Why don't you get one today?" Tyler asks flashing me a mischievous grin.

"Is $50 enough for one?" I question apprehensively. A $50 piercing is sure to give me like, a blood infection or something. 

"Yeah man! C'mon this is gonna be so sick." He's pulling cash out of his pocket and putting it on the table, hopping up excitedly. He doesn't even wait for me, just starts heading towards the door. 

"Dude! My pancakes..." I say, looking at my half-empty plate with a sigh as I stand. I wonder if this is how Rose felt when she let Jack drown in the ocean while the Titanic sank behind them. 

Tyler obviously doesn't care about my feelings though, because he doesn't even turn to see if I'm following. Of course, I do follow him though. I wouldn't just sit and miss out on doing something like this with him. It's nice to find someone who lives on impulse the way I do. It makes me feel alive, doing without thinking. 

Time feels like it blurs by and before I know it I'm sitting in the chair of a tattoo and piercing shop. The guy working, Bryan, is cleaning a needle and Tyler is practically buzzing with excitement next to me. 

I feel nauseous. 

"Why are you so excited about this?" I ask, glaring suspiciously at Tyler. The guy's fucking glowing. It's like he found out his wife is pregnant, he won the lottery, and world peace has been reached. 

"Because," Tyler says with an eye roll "This is like symbolizing you becoming your own person away from your parents." 

So that's what this is about. I guess he's still stuck on finding out why I was kicked out. It's nice, knowing he cares this much. 

I feel a surge of something in chest, but I don't know how to describe the feeling other than overwhelming. 

"So, this will be really quick okay?" Bryan says, his voice gruff. He looks exactly how you'd expect any person in a tattoo shop to look. Broad-bodied, arms covered in tattoos. His earlobes are gauged and while his head is bald he has a fairly decent beard. He kinda looks like that one uncle everyone has that is kind of an alcoholic and can't even hold down a part-time job, just kind of drifting from place to place. 

Damn, am I becoming that washed up uncle? 

I wonder if this revelation is a sign to hop up, run back to my parents, and then open an accounting firm or some shit. Before I can, a large hand is on my jaw, tilting my head at a weird angle. 

"Hmmm..." Bryan says and honestly why would he think that's a good idea? I'm nervous enough I don't need his apprehension added on to it. 

Tyler notices my internal panic and reaches out to grab my hand. 

"Just breathe, it like won't even hurt," Tyler reassures me. 

"It'll hurt," Bryan's voice is monotone "Last week a girl vomited then passed out after. That doesn't happen often though. It's always a treat to see someone go through the pain with courage, the art of my job I guess." He breaks out into a full belly laugh and I'm honestly considering just lighting myself on fire because Bryan may be a sociopath. 

Tyler laughs too, and holy shit he actually found that funny. 

"Ha ha ha ha," I force a laugh but it just sounds strained. 

"You look like a hostage trying to signal for help." Tyler says, choking on his laughter. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror set in front of the chair and I notice how I look. My eyes are wide and what I thought was a smile actually looks like a grimace. 

"You'll be fine." Bryan brushes off my fears and I grip Tyler's hand hard when Bryan moves the needle up towards my face. 

It's funny, in the movies they always make it seem like a cute boy holding your hand is enough to distract from ultimate terror but that doesn't seem to be the case here. My head is spinning and damn I really wish I could have just had my breakfast in peace. 

So much for me being impulsive at my core. 

A sharp pain shoots through my nose and I realize that in the middle of my thoughts, Bryan took it upon himself to just stab me. 

"Holy fuck," I breathe out, because my mind can't think of any other words. 

He didn't even warn me. Fuck this hurts. Holy shit. Fuck. Damn. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Bryan is pressing tissues to my nose and I realize I'm bleeding. 

"See, it wasn't so bad." Tyler says, still holding my hand. I can't talk because I feel like I'm going to pass out if I do so I just give a breathy laugh. 

Bryan moves, examining my face as he tugs on his beard absently. 

"Alright, it looks centered. Come up to the front desk to pay, I'll give you everything you need." He tells me before walking away. I take a moment to look at myself in the mirror in front of me. 

I look the same, but different. The nose ring changes the whole impression of me. I look a little bit tougher, a little bit less like a good boy from Ohio. My parents would die if they saw me like this, putting a tiny silver stud through the left side of my nose with a boy I just met holding my hand.  The rush of that is delicious, my heart speeding up and that empty space inside of me filling up with hot adrenaline. God, this is what I needed. Everything I do to change myself will push me just a little bit further away from everything I hate. 

"I love it," I say grinning madly. "What should I do next? My ears? Or dye my hair?" I'm getting excited at the thought of all this, how easy it will be to just change myself. I take in a small gasp as my eyes fall on a tattoo machine stacked on the counter. "A tattoo?" My body is buzzing. 

"Calm down, Sugar." Tyler says with a laugh, giving my hand a soft squeeze. I had forgotten he was still holding it. He should have let go as soon as it was over but he didn't. I don't mind though. "C'mon, let's go pay." I nod and get up, we finally break our hold on each other and I kind of miss it. 

When we walk up the counter Bryan's already ringed us up and has a bag sitting on the counter. 

"Alright, so that'll be $50," Bryan says, leaning on the counter. I notice how big his arms are and that he could have killed people in the past with them. Damn. "All the cleaning stuff, instructions, and everything else is in this bag." He tilts his head towards the black plastic bag beside him and watches me as I pull the cash out of my wallet. 

It probably isn't a smart idea to blow all of the money I have on something like this, but it's honestly worth it. I feel better knowing I don't look the same as when I left. 

Bryan takes the cash and puts it in the register, then Tyler and I are off again to do whatever we want. 

As we're walking out, Tyler's phone buzzes. Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about this morning. I still have questions about it all. Tyler checks his phone as we walk back to the van, face an unreadable expression as we get into the car. 

"Hey, Josh," Tyler says as he starts the car, "I hate to say this but we have to stay here for a little while before we head out to California. I have to meet with someone before we go." Tyler smiles apologetically at me. 

"How come?" I ask, tilting my head and looking at him. He's hiding something important from me, and it's killing me to not know. 

"My brother, it's just some family stuff. We can stay at a hotel until he gets here, it'll be a nice one too." Tyler says this like it's enough to ease my curiosity, but it only fuels it.

"Isn't that expensive?" Money, yet another Tyler mystery. 

"Hey, I told you I could take care of money stuff. Don't worry bout it." He sounds relaxed, but there's something else hidden under his tone. "You look good by the way, with the piercing." 

"Thanks..." I respond, but my mind is reeling from this. 

What the hell is he planning? 

 


End file.
